The last day of 2025, I dreamed of a pandemic and running around a lot trying to fix things until I was the last person on earth. Which was wonderfully romantic but also terribly pessimistic. Then I woke up and my first thought was, “I am tired.”
I was angry in 2024. I was just tired in 2025.
I worked a lot harder in 2025. For my full-time job, I doubled my metrics comparing to my originally set targets and started multiple new initiatives. I started to do consultation for my friends and ran two mini projects to learn how to leverage AI better. Yet, I felt a lot less appreciated at work and a whole lot less appreciation from myself. That meant a lot of achievements yet no sense of fulfillment. I could not find it externally. I could not find it within myself either.
There were no fleeting moments of happiness. There wasn’t any deliberated act of kindness. Neither was there any random act of violence. My inertia stifled myself, not into inaction, but keeping doing things for the sake of keeping things going. I was even too tired to say, “I told you so.” Which, in a sense, wasn’t a bad thing per se. But still.
The body is honest but confused, since it tells you the symptoms but not the cause. The mind can rationalize but is also too good of a liar. My body told me I was not okay. My mind sought reasons but it was more to please myself than to fix. Since I was hoping for a miracle. The physical world, to which my body is a part of, does not work well with miracles. The mind, on the other hand, is fascinated by and love miracles. For what the joy of life would be if there is no chance for miracles to wait just around the corner.
In certain sense, the mind is a bit similar to AIs. They are not really after the solution, they are there to please you with a supposedly good answer. AIs are yes people, and so does the mind.
Gosh, I am exhausted by my own chain of thought.
But I have been walking through all stages of various negative emotions. If I have paid my due, please let 2026 be the year of acceptance.
For what it worths, I should not have include “if I have paid my due.” But I did. And not like it would matter.