I started the year reading “On Anger,” a book about… well.. anger. Was it premonition? Did I have a hunch? Or was I angry even then?
I am not sure. And for the most part of 2023, I didn’t know what was happening. I knew I wasn’t feeling well. But I didn’t know I was angry. I thought I was having another episode of depression. It felt similar, yet not exactly it. So I did a self-diagnosis. I tracked my mood for a few weeks. I wrote down my thoughts. I did a heat map. A few weeks before the end of 2023, I found out I had been angry. Almost one year was a very unhealthy amount of time to be angry.
There are a few components that define states of anger. In retrospective, all the signs were there. It never ceases to amaze me, our ability to ignore all the signs.
But how did it start? To hazard a guess, it was my tendency to sweep annoying stuffs under the carpet. In return for not dealing with these annoyances directly, I became annoyed all the time of their existence.
Annoyance led to frustration. Frustration in my work life led to irrational frustration at the world. Frustration led to a desire to correct the course, to right things, to demand for justice, resulting in myself being argumentative. Lack of actionable and measureable components from these combative thoughts led to bitterness and a desire for vengeance. And since I had no target in mind but myself, and vengeance on myself while not feeling accountable meant I did myself injustice.
It was a full cycle of anger within my own head.
I am not sure where to go next. Acknowledgement is but the first step. The actions are to be seen.
The funny part is all I can think about in the past few days is that monolouge in Network. Yes, that infamous “Mad as hell” scene. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WINDtlPXmmE)
And yes, I am mad as hell, but I will be keeping this going on for awhile.